If you look at it on paper, my day today was pretty okay. Not terrible, but not super great. Just an okay Thursday heading into Friday (finally). Yet in my mind, as I write this, I’m feeling a bit down. I’m trying to recall when it exactly occurred, since this morning was okay. I emailed one of the committee members that I’d be excited to be co-chair, so that’s awesome. Lunch was fairly quiet and boring, so maybe that was the start of it. In terms of my sessions, where I’m leading more, most went well. I guess it was the last one where it really hit me. Again, nothing went wrong, but it was as if my upbeat, positive vibe was sucked out of me here. I’ll try to add context.
So in my sessions, my supervisor sits in to make sure things go well and assist if needed. We had someone come in, needing help on a topic that I had not had practice for, so though I was “lead” it basically switched to my supervisor doing it. All I basically did was watch. Back to the shadowing phase, and being unable to do anything. Even when I was given few chances to try and contribute, I did not offer much at all. There was laughter and good rapport throughout though, but behind my smile I just sat there feeling useless. Yes, I know it’s just one session and that it’s a learning process, yet times like today it just hit me.
As I hear where I should improve, and look at all the things I still don’t know, it makes me feel a little dumb. And then the self-doubt can creep in, where you wonder if you’re going to be good enough for this. Are you perfect for the job? Can I do this? And being the new guy, it can feel like being at the very bottom of the totem pole which doesn’t help. Not knowing anyone here in the city, and family and friends back home are busy. Sometimes they’re not approachable to have such talks like this, and it can feel like you’re alone in a ring. Fighting a fight all by yourself.
Thankfully, tomorrow is finally Friday. Unfortunately, we won’t be getting breakfast tacos in the morning like I thought. This weekend, I believe my parents will come back up here to inspect the car. I doubt I will get a new car this weekend. Next Monday, I will be giving a presentation with my coworker. Do I feel ready? Not really, and that adds to the feeling of not knowing everything. I appreciate being pushed to taking more responsibility, and being there in case, yet at times I feel like I need more time. This conflicts with my feeling of needing to be ready and help since we’re a little understaffed. Honestly, what’s been helpful so far has been looking at photos of my baby nephew.
I looked at his photo when I was nervous for my interview, and whenever I feel down or lonely up here I look at his little smile. He’s not my kid, but I’ve taken care of him so much (and I have a soft spot for babies) that it’s like he’s a kid of mine. He’s family after all. I’m years away from having kids of my own, but make no mistake I can’t wait for that day. Understanding what helps you smile and feel calm helps immensely on days like this where you feel down, alone, maybe even unsure of yourself. But also talking about it with people who care about you, or finding an outlet, is important.
Some of my friends (even the ones I don’t talk to often) are around when I absolutely need them, but also writing it out has been helpful. I actually couldn’t wait to type this post, because I knew it’d be helpful and maybe it’ll help some of you out there. In some way, we’re in this together near or far. We have good days, and down days like for me today. Who knows what tomorrow has in store, but we have to treat it as a new day rather than a continuation of yesterday. The day’s finally over, and it’s time to carry on. Continue learning each day, and soon we’ll get good at what we need to improve upon. And eventually we’ll find our tribe. There may be moments where we are alone in the ring, like for me today, and we have to do things on our own. But you’d be surprised how many Adrians (supporters) you have, and if you feel like there’s none don’t worry; you’ll find them or they’ll find you. Just keep fighting, and don’t give up. . .