This weekend I spent it back home with my family, and saw my friend at his place. Friday wasn’t a great day to me. Once again, I felt like crap by the end of my work day and was left with a lot of thoughts in my mind. I’m well aware a lot of it is all in my mind, and that it’s common for many starting new jobs to think “What did I get myself into?” or “Am I cut out for this?”. Every little step forward I feel like I’m making, at the end of the day I feel like I fall two huge steps back. When the day ended, there was a little party on the 3rd floor, hosted by another department, and I was at first thinking of going. But when that negative feeling kicked in, I was seriously considering just leaving and beginning my drive home. I ended up going, and I was able to get some free stuff; including some food snacks. But I was also able to talk to two other coworkers, and it was nice getting to know them a little more. As I said, little by little I’m getting to know some while others not so much or it fluctuates.
Back home, I had an eye doctor appointment to get new glasses. You ever visit home, and you remember some of the reasons why you were glad to leave? By that I mean your parents. In my case, my mother who kept making the optician’s life harder by pressing questions; thinking she was right. She also kept telling another employee to take down glasses for me to try, when I insisted I didn’t want anymore and that I didn’t like the ones she suggested. And I tried showing my mother that my insurance didn’t cover certain features for glasses, but she didn’t believe until the manager (she requested to speak to) told her directly. Ugh, any of your parents frustrating at times? I try not to be too hard on that, because I’m sure if I ever have kids I’ll be stubborn in my own ways too. But when I was already feeling down, and hoping home would cure me, this wasn’t helping. But it was okay, since we also went to a book sale and I got a heap of new books. My personal library here is getting bigger! I’ll definitely be reading these books now with recent events.
Seeing my friend was nice, and he could tell how beaten I looked and told me to hang in there. After watching some movies at home, including A Dog’s Journey, I do feel better and a little inspired to not give up and remain positive. See the other thing making me feel a little down is that I’m getting a new car. What? You’re probably asking why is that making you feel down since you’ve wanted a new car. Yes, a part of me is glad that I’ll get an upgrade; that I think will happen in at least 2 weeks or so. But the other thing is the payments. Talking with my folks, it appears I’ll be paying much of my remaining check to the new car. I did think about paying little for it each month, but interest for those payments do add up. So more than likely, most of my check will already be gone except for food and gas. That means two big things: my dream of going abroad this winter will not happen and my social life will be on hold here.
I’m more devastated by the first one, as my passport will continue to just sit there waiting. But I know the second one will have a more proximate impact on me. I’m sure I’ll have some money to go out, but it’ll be barely and I will have to keep track of it. It sucks, because it’s not like I’m close friends with anyone at work (obviously) but now the chance of me making friends here dwindle. Not many concerts, going out to eat/drink, movies, museums, etc. are options I can consider now. One of my favorite things to do to relax is go to the parks, but many parks here require you to pay to park. Yes, it is frustrating. But I was thinking of alternatives. I mentioned A Dog’s Journey, and it did inspire me. I definitely wished I had a dog by my side to keep me company in this new place, but also that I can still have dogs in my life in some aspect. I think I will try to volunteer at an adoption center near me, so that I can not only be social but of course be surrounded by pups.
Because other than that, my new reality will be me working, then coming back to my apartment and working out. That’s it. I said long ago, when I lived at home, that I am used to doing things on my own. Yet truly living alone, in a city where you know no one and not close to anyone at work or at the apartment, is a different feel altogether. There’s no security of friends or family so close by in case. It’s just me. And I suppose you internet friends who read my posts. We’re in this together like I always said. But while I try to prepare for this new reality on the way, I know little things I do can help the process. Definitely sleeping is important, and I’m hoping my new noise machine can help with that. That and telling myself positive things to push me through the day. Though I usually don’t stay glued to my phone, it’s been the opposite here as my friends home and abroad certainly have helped me through these times. And I remind myself why I’m doing all this, and that even if it ends up not working out then I will be okay. The most important thing we need to remember is to try not to worry about the little things. Just enjoy life, and have fun, with loved ones; both two-legged and four-legged. . .