It’s been a week since my last post. If you assumed it was either busy or rough for me here, you would be accurate again. Halloween week, itself, was fun as my coworkers and I left anonymous gifts for each other. I guessed incorrectly who was my anonymous person, but I enjoyed the things I got. On Halloween day, I got dirt cake which I haven’t had in years! It was so good, but I was punished later for it. If you’ve ever seen the movie Just Friends, the scene where they go to their favorite old restaurant, is what comes to mind. When, after the waitress gives him a huge stack of pancakes coated in frosting, he says he hasn’t had sweets in years and asks if she knows what would happen to him if he eats that. I’ve always done well avoiding sweets, except around the holidays which are approaching.
My dad said I look too skinny when he and my brother-in-law came up yesterday. Why does everyone, both family and friends, have this desire to fatten me up? I laugh, because I’m not a twig and I know guys who weigh about 150 pounds or less. I haven’t weighed myself in a while, but I think I’m somewhere around 180 right now. But they came up to see me to finally(!) take the car back home. They came with a trailer, and drove up that cloud-puffing car up onto it and it safely made it back home. And they brought my hammock stand! I had to inverse one of the hooks on it, because I’m still trying to figure out if I have to really stretch the hammock to reach. I don’t want to risk breaking the ropes. But I tried it out and, as expected, it was nice to be in. I can’t wait to read books in it on calm days. Seeing some family, getting my hammock stand, and talking with my friends have complimented what has been a quiet, relaxing weekend after what felt like another rough week at work.
In my own view, I feel like I’m making progress; not fast, but positive progress. That was until I had my bi-weekly meeting with my supervisor; where we talk about how things are going. It was in that meeting that she said I’m not making the progress that she had hoped I would be making. I appreciate feedback of any kind, including these, but when she said that it felt like a gut-punch. When, in your mind, you’re feeling okay and doing alright, and then the reality of others wakes you up. I let it get to me. This is my very first full-time job, and of course I want to do well and succeed. So when I hear something like this, optimism makes way for realism; even over-the-top realism. In the very back of my mind was the thought that perhaps my job isn’t secure like I thought. I’m sure you know what I mean by that.
The following day I guess my mood was a little somber, but only one person even noticed it; my supervisor. Again, we talked a little more about it and my concerns. She reassured that it’s okay, and that it’s a lot to learn. However, job security is still something to think about. I’m taking more initiative, like offering to help at the front desk and taking presentation opportunities, as signs that I can still do other things around there. I even brought my training binder to look at this weekend. Again, I want to succeed and I’m not ready to call it quits. But rather than running away from what might happen. On Friday, I chose to embrace that possible reality and make it positive. No matter what, I’m gaining experience that can apply to many things. And I often tell you all, that I can see myself doing many things. I can go into different settings, and still have that same passion and drive for it. Most importantly, I have a place to go to in my family. I won’t be living on the street or stranded in a new city. I have a family with a warm home in case, which some people cannot say.
The idea that it’s not the end of the world has helped me in processing this. It’s truly been tough walking through this new chapter. It’s been kicking my butt most of the time, but I’ve been resilient most of my life. I’m not perfect, I fall on the ground too, and I break down. Yet through thick and thin, I have my family and friends (near and far), and I have you. You may not comment on here, yet seeing people from different parts of the world stumble through here, reading pieces of my life and perhaps relating to it in some way provides solace to me. The fact that we’re not alone in our journeys, even if we might physically be on our own. I’m going to give it my all this November, and whatever happens will happen. But come Thanksgiving, I will be thankful for the opportunities I was given and be excited for whatever is next to come. . .